Is Anyone There?

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.

“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

Ch!ldhood

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

CrAzY

A psychiatrist says to his secretary: "Just say we're very busy. Stop saying 'It's a madhouse!'"

Therap!st...

Doctor!!

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!

Doctor: And how long have you had this complaint?

Patient: What complaint?

Every Researcher's Wish

A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman in a bikini." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

Ctrl-Alt-Delete!

Thirteen + one...

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can’t help but wonder why they are chanting “Thirteen!” over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

Psych!atr!st

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

L!ght BulB

Q: How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.